Schizophrenia: Three Moms in the Trenches

The Deep Dark Road: Living With Schizophrenia and Coming Back. Ryan’s Story.

January 21, 2022 Randye Kaye Season 2 Episode 9
Schizophrenia: Three Moms in the Trenches
The Deep Dark Road: Living With Schizophrenia and Coming Back. Ryan’s Story.
Show Notes Transcript

 An Acid Trip in college led to “never feeling the same again” - to actions to feed drug habits, to inner thoughts of suicide and harm, a diagnosis of schizophrenia, treatment - and now, a Master's Degree and full-time work.

The 3 Moms ask Ryan the questions our sons aren’t ready to answer.

  • What does psychosis feel like?
  • What is the effect of weed on your symptoms?
  • Do you tell potential new friends you have schizophrenia?
  • What support helps you? Family? Friends?
  • What are your “extended thoughts” like?
  • Why did you ask for voluntary hospital stay?
  • What advice would you give others with sz? What would a peer support network mean to you?


Ryan says:

“Being diagnosed with schizophrenia was my second chance at life in a very, very weird way.”

“Paranoia can be a deep, dark road, especially if you’re not aware of it. ”

“I'm very happy with where I'm at. It's enough, where I can recognize that I have an illness and that I am hallucinating but not enough where my hallucinations run my life.”

“The great part about reality is that it’s shared. I was not sharing with other people.”   

" I will continue to listen to your podcast to understand the struggle my family goes through. In bits in pieces, of course, because too much of that at once could be an overload."


What helps Ryan: Advice to others with schizophrenia:

  • Take your meds (when dosage reduced, hallucinations increase)
  • Don’t smoke weed.
  • Practice mindfulness. -  be aware of your “voices” and get out of your head.
  • “You’re a genius. And I mean that people are always going to treat you like you're different, and you are. It takes an incredibly strong person to go through what you're going through. And it's not going to be easy, but God put that on you, for a reason and you're strong you're intelligent. One day you'll have the strength to confront your paranoia. Until then rely on your family, rely on your friends, rely on the people around you. It's okay to not be okay, but it's okay to be okay, too, and one day you'll be okay, I promise.”

Who Are the 3 Moms?

Want us to cover a topic? Ask us a question? Facebook page @Schizophrenia3Moms

Randye Kaye -Broadcaster, Actress, Voice Talent, Speaker, and Author (Ben Behind his Voices”)

Miriam Feldman – Artist, Mom, Author “He Came in With It

Mindy Greiling – member of the Minnesota House of Representatives for twenty years. Activist, Legislator, Author (“Fix What You Can“)

 

 

 

 

 



      WEBVTT

1
00:00:03.750 --> 00:00:18.390
Randye Kaye: This is episode 34 of our podcast and welcome to it, we are so excited to just have a conversation with a lovely young man who actually contacted me.

2
00:00:18.869 --> 00:00:35.160
Randye Kaye: and asked for the opportunity to share what his life is like and we're going to get to Ryan in in just a moment so Ryan just just hang with us for a second, I just want to say hello to our listeners if you're new to our podcast.

3
00:00:36.180 --> 00:00:43.680
Randye Kaye: you're here, so you obviously found us but we're schizophrenia three moms in the trenches and you can.

4
00:00:44.580 --> 00:00:52.560
Randye Kaye: stay in touch with what we're doing by heading to our Facebook page by subscribing to our podcast.

5
00:00:53.280 --> 00:01:08.640
Randye Kaye: By downloading other episodes and you can find all the links on our Facebook page or there's a page on band behind his voices.com you can click on podcasts and we have a little entry there so.

6
00:01:09.090 --> 00:01:16.830
Randye Kaye: Welcome, I want to thank corey from Facebook, who commented, and just said i'm so grateful, I came across your podcast.

7
00:01:17.190 --> 00:01:23.100
Randye Kaye: I feel lost a lot of times with my son's diagnosis, I feel, like every episode has given me some hope.

8
00:01:23.700 --> 00:01:40.470
Randye Kaye: So we are just thrilled about that and also from Nicole and Facebook, who says your life your podcast has been life saving for me to call has for special needs kids to have good to effective and one bipolar with psychosis and.

9
00:01:41.760 --> 00:01:55.350
Randye Kaye: she's got a lot on her plate the family has a lot on their plate it's not just them on and she says, because of your podcast i've been able to find resources, I wouldn't have known about otherwise unable to fight hard for my girls, armed with information and facts.

10
00:01:55.860 --> 00:02:01.470
Randye Kaye: So thank you that just that just makes our day our episode 33.

11
00:02:02.430 --> 00:02:16.110
Randye Kaye: has had over 400 downloads just in a week and that's a lot of people finding out about housing information so we're just glad to be here and be able to tell sides of the story and tonight.

12
00:02:17.070 --> 00:02:28.590
Randye Kaye: I want to share by saying I got an email, which I shared with my my friends in the trenches Mimi and mindy a young man Ryan wrote to me saying that and i'll just.

13
00:02:29.010 --> 00:02:38.580
Randye Kaye: read a little bit of the email just a tiny bit i'm a student and full time worker living with schizophrenia, and if you want to pick my brain i'm open.

14
00:02:39.030 --> 00:02:48.210
Randye Kaye: And I am so glad because we've been talking for a year about having our own sons on the podcast but mine isn't willing and doesn't want to tell his side of the story.

15
00:02:48.570 --> 00:02:58.980
Randye Kaye: So this opportunity just warmed my heart Ryan said I really appreciated your perspective in your podcast how I think about my illness.

16
00:02:59.730 --> 00:03:05.940
Randye Kaye: Rarely leaves my own world and thinking about how it affects my siblings and mom and dad is an interesting dynamic.

17
00:03:06.420 --> 00:03:12.990
Randye Kaye: And that meant a lot to me to hear that so, by the way, Ryan, has a master's degree and a job.

18
00:03:13.350 --> 00:03:29.700
Randye Kaye: And he will not be on camera, and we are not revealing his last name but applaud his courage to come out so out of respect for privacy all you'll see if you're on YouTube is his first name and no camera and Ryan just welcome we're so three moms are really glad you're here.

19
00:03:30.960 --> 00:03:32.970
Mindy Greiling MN: There we are, we definitely are.

20
00:03:33.660 --> 00:03:49.770
Ryan: Thank you so much for for having me, I came across your podcast by typing in schizophrenia in the podcast search bar try and find out more about my illness and trying to.

21
00:03:50.910 --> 00:03:56.550
Ryan: get some support, and it was fantastic hearing a mom's perspective, other than my mom.

22
00:03:57.720 --> 00:03:58.530
Ryan: My mom.

23
00:03:59.760 --> 00:04:05.580
Ryan: is an absolute sweetheart but hearing it in times for.

24
00:04:06.720 --> 00:04:08.070
Ryan: adds a little bit of weight.

25
00:04:10.170 --> 00:04:20.550
Ryan: A lot a lot of weight actually um so I appreciate you guys having me on the podcast today and yeah i'm open to any questions you have.

26
00:04:21.240 --> 00:04:32.370
Randye Kaye: that's awesome I, I just want to start by giving you the opportunity, you know as, as we said on the phone because Ryan, and I had a had a phone conversation as.

27
00:04:33.300 --> 00:04:51.450
Randye Kaye: As I said, my you know my son, who his real name is not revealed, but we call him Ben because that's a name, he chose for himself and he knew I was writing a book and my book is totally, from my perspective, my son's perspective is only shown in.

28
00:04:53.100 --> 00:05:05.790
Randye Kaye: In the poetry that he writes, so I include his poetry and otherwise, anyone who tells the story we're telling it from our own perspective, so he is not.

29
00:05:07.260 --> 00:05:18.150
Randye Kaye: ready to talk about his diagnosis, he doesn't call it an illness, he doesn't agree that he has it, but he calls that a diagnosis and he's aware that we all think he has this and.

30
00:05:18.690 --> 00:05:28.560
Randye Kaye: Right now he's he's doing well, maybe not quite as well as you with a master's degree, but he's he's he's doing well, and he has a good relationship with the family and so.

31
00:05:29.190 --> 00:05:40.680
Randye Kaye: I would love the chance to ask you the things I can ask my son, and the first question, I just if you would just you know start by just tell us your story.

32
00:05:41.520 --> 00:05:55.710
Randye Kaye: We have about 45 minutes total so i'd like to know a little bit just give us a background on your family and then, just like when your symptoms started like when your life began to change and we'll just jump in with questions if we have them.

33
00:05:57.510 --> 00:06:03.060
Ryan: My mom I have a mother a father brother and sister.

34
00:06:04.590 --> 00:06:17.100
Ryan: very, very talented brother and sister who continue to give me inspiration and support i'm a mom who is kind of like my drill surgeon um.

35
00:06:18.900 --> 00:06:30.300
Ryan: But I I absolutely I don't tell her all the time and it doesn't always come across but I appreciate the living I love her a lot and I appreciate her a lot.

36
00:06:32.970 --> 00:06:35.790
Ryan: And my dad.

37
00:06:37.050 --> 00:06:43.530
Ryan: He has a little softer approach, but he encourages me in a very fatherly way.

38
00:06:44.820 --> 00:06:55.650
Ryan: And I always appreciate his his openness with going down rabbit holes with me and helping me find my way out.

39
00:06:56.790 --> 00:07:07.320
Randye Kaye: hasn't always been like that or did you guys have a journey to get to this place of support like tell us a bit about what happened to you from your perspective.

40
00:07:08.310 --> 00:07:14.010
Ryan: So it's so hard, because I had a thing it's asking knows yeah.

41
00:07:15.510 --> 00:07:23.160
Ryan: i'm so not being aware of my onus everything is kind of posts me, looking back.

42
00:07:23.970 --> 00:07:35.190
Ryan: And it doesn't serve me well, looking back because there's a lot of pain and delusion in my past, and when I explore those places I find a lot of pain and delusion.

43
00:07:36.150 --> 00:07:57.840
Ryan: um, but I can tell you my sophomore year of college and I started to feel different I didn't know what I will I took I took acid, and I came out of that acid trip feeling different like I was never going to be the same.

44
00:07:59.010 --> 00:08:00.840
Ryan: And I don't think that I ever was.

45
00:08:03.510 --> 00:08:16.950
Ryan: So going into my junior year of college, it was a steady decrease lots of drugs xanax adderall acid.

46
00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:21.150
Ryan: and

47
00:08:22.590 --> 00:08:32.100
Ryan: I looking back now I feel as if I was in a lot of suffering um I was in a lot of pain, as much as.

48
00:08:33.210 --> 00:08:34.860
Ryan: I wasn't aware of it and.

49
00:08:35.880 --> 00:08:45.060
Ryan: I was trying to escape um I had a girlfriend that had cheated on me and that caused a lot of pain.

50
00:08:46.860 --> 00:08:50.760
Ryan: um but I wasn't aware of it, I just knew I had to escape.

51
00:08:51.930 --> 00:08:59.340
Ryan: And I went through it and very bad ways I wasn't a great influence on my friends, I was a.

52
00:09:00.540 --> 00:09:08.460
Ryan: Bad son to my mother um I use a lot of her money to fuel my drug habits.

53
00:09:10.080 --> 00:09:10.890
Ryan: um.

54
00:09:12.570 --> 00:09:17.400
Ryan: But I try to look at it through the frame of I was sick.

55
00:09:18.570 --> 00:09:22.080
Ryan: And being diagnosed with schizophrenia.

56
00:09:23.640 --> 00:09:28.590
Ryan: was my second chance at life in a very, very weird way to.

57
00:09:28.620 --> 00:09:38.970
Randye Kaye: say more about that what so you feel like college was more do you do you think partly the drug use was trying to escape from some symptoms of schizophrenia that were.

58
00:09:40.170 --> 00:09:51.540
Randye Kaye: That were starting to develop in you, you know Russell brand says, you know drugs were in my problem reality was my problem drugs were my solution and.

59
00:09:52.290 --> 00:10:06.510
Randye Kaye: So was something happening in your reality in terms of maybe having some hosts and nations are just having some psychosis or did you, you said you didn't feel the same ever so did your brain feel different and you were hoping to drugs would fix it can you.

60
00:10:07.230 --> 00:10:07.620
Ryan: I feel like.

61
00:10:08.760 --> 00:10:09.870
Ryan: I feel like I was.

62
00:10:11.580 --> 00:10:18.750
Ryan: I was experiencing paranoia and was unwilling to recognize that basis.

63
00:10:19.860 --> 00:10:23.430
Ryan: And paranoia can be a deep dark.

64
00:10:24.840 --> 00:10:27.390
Ryan: Road, especially if you're not aware of it.

65
00:10:29.310 --> 00:10:34.770
Ryan: So it led up to the first hospitalization hospitalization.

66
00:10:36.150 --> 00:10:46.710
Ryan: Where I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I didn't believe it, I was standing there like everything's fine like i'll be good like this is just a bump in the road.

67
00:10:49.170 --> 00:10:53.460
Ryan: But then the hallucinations persisted the voices for assisted.

68
00:10:55.260 --> 00:10:59.700
Ryan: The delusions persisted in the paranoia persistence so.

69
00:11:00.570 --> 00:11:10.800
Randye Kaye: How long were was that hospitalization and yeah like did you go on meds at that time, or like what would, what do you recall, was happening in your head.

70
00:11:11.880 --> 00:11:13.110
Ryan: It was voluntary.

71
00:11:14.190 --> 00:11:18.330
Ryan: um I chose to go to the hospital because I threat.

72
00:11:19.770 --> 00:11:21.900
Ryan: threaten to take my own life my friend's life.

73
00:11:24.780 --> 00:11:26.850
Ryan: And I knew enough to say.

74
00:11:28.620 --> 00:11:31.800
Ryan: I don't know if it was command voices i'm not sure.

75
00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:40.500
Ryan: But I knew enough, I actually I wanted to stay, I called my parents, I was like you have to come pick me up now.

76
00:11:42.030 --> 00:11:45.330
Ryan: And then I was like no don't pick me up i'm fine i'll figure it out.

77
00:11:46.740 --> 00:11:47.130
Randye Kaye: Take you.

78
00:11:47.310 --> 00:11:48.900
Randye Kaye: From the hospital or foe.

79
00:11:48.900 --> 00:11:50.910
Ryan: apologize from college.

80
00:11:51.000 --> 00:11:54.180
Randye Kaye: Okay now that's Okay, we just see if if I don't understand i'll just ask you.

81
00:11:56.010 --> 00:11:57.690
Randye Kaye: From knowledge, then okay.

82
00:11:58.200 --> 00:12:00.990
Ryan: From college and then.

83
00:12:04.320 --> 00:12:05.250
Ryan: After that.

84
00:12:07.200 --> 00:12:10.080
Ryan: They can't they will they came they picked me up and they were like.

85
00:12:10.830 --> 00:12:25.500
Ryan: Brian like can you to get help and, like, I was in the car being like i'm special i'm not special i'm gifted i'm not gifted and they were like now looking back they're probably like the psychotic in my head, I was still trying to figure stuff out.

86
00:12:26.910 --> 00:12:39.420
Mindy Greiling MN: i'm curious Ryan about your friends, you mentioned, I think you said you were using drugs with them and then later, you were said part of your delusion was.

87
00:12:40.440 --> 00:12:50.820
Mindy Greiling MN: To harm them and i'm wondering in your hindsight, now that you're you obviously are doing really well right now in your hindsight.

88
00:12:52.260 --> 00:13:12.780
Mindy Greiling MN: Could you do have any insight into your friends were they aware that you had delusions to harm them were they aware that drugs meant more to you than it did to them, because you were having also your symptoms of schizophrenia, or do you have any insight into that that you could share.

89
00:13:14.670 --> 00:13:21.180
Ryan: I do want to say that my best friend during that time is still my best friend and.

90
00:13:21.480 --> 00:13:23.670
Mindy Greiling MN: that's amazing that doesn't always happen.

91
00:13:24.540 --> 00:13:36.630
Ryan: he's been my best friend, since I was five and that support that love to be able to say, I want to hurt you and then for them to still be there is the most incredible.

92
00:13:37.830 --> 00:13:40.620
Ryan: I don't think there's a greater love on earth honestly.

93
00:13:42.810 --> 00:13:46.800
Mindy Greiling MN: that's fantastic that probably helps with your recovery, what do you think.

94
00:13:48.360 --> 00:14:06.090
Ryan: yeah and like during just to go back for a SEC during the time they weren't aware, but I was hiding my facial expressions, I was not telling people what I thought, so there was no way they could have known, because I can materialize and I was hiding.

95
00:14:07.980 --> 00:14:08.010
Ryan: um.

96
00:14:09.060 --> 00:14:12.090
Ryan: So I don't I did blame them for a bit.

97
00:14:13.170 --> 00:14:17.670
Ryan: um but I don't anymore, and it hurts more to blame them.

98
00:14:21.180 --> 00:14:27.240
Randye Kaye: Okay, so there's a lot of insight you have looking back, clearly, can you bring us back to that.

99
00:14:28.620 --> 00:14:31.680
Randye Kaye: Voluntary hospitalization like what.

100
00:14:33.420 --> 00:14:38.760
Randye Kaye: Because I know I know in my son's case he's never gone voluntarily it's always been.

101
00:14:39.810 --> 00:14:43.950
Randye Kaye: And he's been hospitalized nine times 10 nine whatever.

102
00:14:45.240 --> 00:14:45.540
It.

103
00:14:46.950 --> 00:14:49.230
Randye Kaye: It was never his choice.

104
00:14:50.340 --> 00:14:50.940
Randye Kaye: and

105
00:14:52.260 --> 00:14:58.290
Randye Kaye: But it was to his benefit to you know, to get treatment and, at the moment he's.

106
00:15:00.540 --> 00:15:12.810
Randye Kaye: that's adding to his stability but for you, you said you went voluntarily so, can you remember, and it must be really hard to revisit it so just you know tell us, whatever you're willing to tell us.

107
00:15:13.950 --> 00:15:19.590
Randye Kaye: You said, your thoughts were to harm yourself and possibly harm your friend and obviously that woke you up enough to.

108
00:15:19.950 --> 00:15:27.270
Randye Kaye: To go so did you call the hospital yourself, or like how did you get to the hospital and once you were there.

109
00:15:27.840 --> 00:15:40.470
Randye Kaye: Were you willing obviously has some detoxing to do, but are you willing to go on medication like what was that journey like for you in your recollection and what did it feel like in your head that's a lot of questions I know.

110
00:15:42.030 --> 00:15:50.070
Ryan: i'll try to i'll try to touch on them all, but I probably you'll have to remind me that's something my mom does really well.

111
00:15:50.400 --> 00:15:50.580
Oh.

112
00:15:53.760 --> 00:15:54.780
Ryan: So.

113
00:15:56.910 --> 00:16:11.310
Ryan: I call, because yeah I I knew I was I knew I was something was wrong that's why I called my mom and I was crying I actually called her crying saying, I want to kill myself mom.

114
00:16:13.590 --> 00:16:19.950
Ryan: And then I sat in my friend chris's arms for.

115
00:16:21.630 --> 00:16:26.760
Ryan: Like 30 minutes and just like cried and puke to felt like I was having an exorcism.

116
00:16:29.370 --> 00:16:37.320
Ryan: And my friend Ryan sitting on the bed, and he looked really depressed and I wanted to save him, but I.

117
00:16:38.640 --> 00:16:40.950
Ryan: I can I didn't know how to save myself.

118
00:16:42.900 --> 00:16:52.200
Ryan: And I with my hindsight, you can't save someone from depression like that that that was what was going through my head and I.

119
00:16:53.250 --> 00:16:56.070
Ryan: When I got to the hospital the doctor said.

120
00:16:57.150 --> 00:17:02.460
Ryan: i'm like do you want to hurt yourself, and I said.

121
00:17:03.750 --> 00:17:04.650
Ryan: Yes.

122
00:17:06.090 --> 00:17:07.830
Ryan: And, but.

123
00:17:09.390 --> 00:17:11.430
Ryan: I feel like I didn't like mean it.

124
00:17:13.530 --> 00:17:14.010
Randye Kaye: Okay.

125
00:17:14.670 --> 00:17:29.070
Ryan: Like I wanted to hurt myself, but I like I knew I was never going to go through with it like I was suffering, but I knew enough not to hurt myself or anyone else.

126
00:17:29.340 --> 00:17:30.540
Mindy Greiling MN: But the thoughts, you want.

127
00:17:31.740 --> 00:17:50.640
Mindy Greiling MN: Did you want to hurt yourself or did you think you had to hurt yourself, the reason I asked that is because part of my son's delusion is command voices that you mentioned earlier, he thinks he has to and he said delusions that he has to kill me or he has to.

128
00:17:51.690 --> 00:18:09.780
Mindy Greiling MN: burn himself or you know things like that, but he doesn't want to he just his delusion makes him think he has to, but he distinguishes between having to and wanting to be you have that kind of a nuance or not with your when you said you wanted to kill yourself.

129
00:18:11.010 --> 00:18:15.660
Ryan: i'm just to touch on the command voices a little bit um.

130
00:18:16.710 --> 00:18:26.940
Ryan: The the food, the way it sounds weird but the way I best deal with command voices when I do have them is to disassociate.

131
00:18:28.050 --> 00:18:31.830
Ryan: From my mind it's, the only way I can get there.

132
00:18:32.940 --> 00:18:34.110
Randye Kaye: And you say more what.

133
00:18:34.170 --> 00:18:36.570
Randye Kaye: What that how how that works.

134
00:18:37.470 --> 00:18:38.370
Ryan: it's just.

135
00:18:38.550 --> 00:18:44.460
Ryan: It feels like my breathing slows down and I tried to not think and detach.

136
00:18:45.630 --> 00:18:50.940
Ryan: my mind it's like I just go into like this trance of like.

137
00:18:52.080 --> 00:19:02.250
Ryan: it's my body being like okay like this is really scary just zone out and like slow your breath down and like.

138
00:19:03.570 --> 00:19:04.110
Ryan: Get.

139
00:19:05.940 --> 00:19:11.400
Ryan: Get out of your head and I do think a lot of that has to do with paranoia.

140
00:19:13.620 --> 00:19:18.960
Ryan: it's I feel like when you're paranoid you get a fight or flight response.

141
00:19:20.430 --> 00:19:29.730
Ryan: And you get like, in my experience anyways you get one chance, a day to like fight your paranoia and if you miss it.

142
00:19:31.230 --> 00:19:33.030
Ryan: you're retreating the rest of the day.

143
00:19:34.440 --> 00:19:39.450
Ryan: So if you keep trying to fight and retreat fighting retreat fight in retreat.

144
00:19:40.590 --> 00:19:56.640
Ryan: you end up cornering yourself and this like really dark place in your mind where the voices are just surrounding you and there's no way out and that's when the voices feel like they get to command voices because it's just like please voices get out of my head.

145
00:19:58.080 --> 00:20:03.180
Mindy Greiling MN: You still have voices, or do you does your medicine pretty much silence them.

146
00:20:04.350 --> 00:20:05.190
Ryan: um.

147
00:20:06.810 --> 00:20:07.830
Ryan: I my.

148
00:20:09.510 --> 00:20:11.490
Ryan: So I just went down on medication.

149
00:20:12.660 --> 00:20:17.280
Ryan: And for all the skits skits appendix listening out there to take your meds.

150
00:20:18.690 --> 00:20:21.930
Mindy Greiling MN: We like that in place as mothers can tell you that.

151
00:20:23.070 --> 00:20:24.900
Ryan: i'm don't smoke weed.

152
00:20:26.640 --> 00:20:27.330
Ryan: and

153
00:20:29.520 --> 00:20:34.440
Ryan: Practice mindfulness The rest is on you guys like can't really get more than that.

154
00:20:34.800 --> 00:20:56.220
Randye Kaye: Those are really three great tips I would imagine you had quite a journey to get from i'm in the hospital to where you are today, so can you can you kind of tell us like, and this is so helpful Thank you Ryan, and thanks again for your courage, can you tell us a bit about.

155
00:20:57.390 --> 00:21:04.380
Randye Kaye: Like how many hospitalizations Have you had Have you ever cheat your MIC up how many hospitalizations Have you had.

156
00:21:06.210 --> 00:21:11.790
Ryan: have had a have had to to voluntary hospitalizations okay.

157
00:21:11.850 --> 00:21:17.850
Randye Kaye: And where they for a good length of time or just like seven or eight days.

158
00:21:21.240 --> 00:21:25.290
Ryan: Four seven yeah seven days both times.

159
00:21:25.470 --> 00:21:35.250
Randye Kaye: Okay, so it was short and, and so I know you're currently on medication you've shared that have you ever tried to go off that medication and, if so, what happens.

160
00:21:38.370 --> 00:21:46.590
Ryan: All I know is when I went down on my medication my hallucinations got worse and I can't imagine a world.

161
00:21:47.640 --> 00:21:55.500
Ryan: Where they're much worse than they are like they're already distracting and I get an A trance sometimes so.

162
00:21:56.340 --> 00:22:10.230
Ryan: I can't really i'm very happy with where i'm at it's enough, where I can recognize that I have an illness and then I am hallucinating but not enough where my hallucinations around my life.

163
00:22:11.220 --> 00:22:18.540
Mindy Greiling MN: You said right now you're going down on your mess is that doctor's recommendation you just mean that on your own.

164
00:22:19.350 --> 00:22:19.890
Ryan: On my.

165
00:22:20.250 --> 00:22:20.760
path.

166
00:22:22.560 --> 00:22:36.270
Ryan: um I, as I said, I feel like i'm in a good place um do you mind if I do you mind if I go down on my medication and they said yeah and.

167
00:22:37.560 --> 00:22:43.620
Ryan: I medications release tricky because you want to be aware of your illness enough.

168
00:22:44.880 --> 00:22:49.980
Ryan: That you know it's there, but not enough that it controls your life, and I feel like i'm at that now.

169
00:22:51.300 --> 00:22:58.320
Mindy Greiling MN: That sounds better than just doing it on your own and that's really good that you're discussing sounds like had her hand up their.

170
00:22:58.770 --> 00:23:00.090
Randye Kaye: name is heather yeah.

171
00:23:00.420 --> 00:23:09.240
Miriam Feldman: yeah I have a question, this is the thing that always mystifies me is the issue and the nature of anosike knows yeah.

172
00:23:10.350 --> 00:23:18.870
Miriam Feldman: Now you sound right now, like you have a tremendous amount of insight and you know what's going on, and you, you know you identify things grow virally.

173
00:23:19.230 --> 00:23:34.980
Miriam Feldman: When you think back to before, when you said that you have Amazon knows yeah what does that feel like the memory is it like in some sort of a dream Do you remember the same things happening, but not understanding what was going on.

174
00:23:36.510 --> 00:23:43.950
Miriam Feldman: it's, something that would be really helpful to understand when we're dealing with our loved ones who have.

175
00:23:46.470 --> 00:23:47.160
Ryan: A.

176
00:23:48.210 --> 00:23:51.480
Ryan: It really I was medicated right when I.

177
00:23:52.740 --> 00:24:06.390
Ryan: went to hospital, the first time and I always knew I had schizophrenia, and from that point like an understanding, but I didn't feel like I experienced until I went down on my vacation.

178
00:24:07.860 --> 00:24:08.220
Miriam Feldman: So.

179
00:24:09.330 --> 00:24:14.490
Miriam Feldman: You knew, you had it because you were informed that you have it, or you just knew something was different.

180
00:24:15.510 --> 00:24:20.310
Ryan: Because I wasn't born mom because.

181
00:24:21.870 --> 00:24:22.650
Ryan: My.

182
00:24:24.690 --> 00:24:35.310
Ryan: Like my I was seeing the devil and like and, like my the the great part about reality said share and.

183
00:24:38.100 --> 00:24:39.780
Ryan: I was not sharing with other.

184
00:24:41.940 --> 00:24:50.880
Ryan: With the rest with other people in reality and I knew enough that I had that I was not.

185
00:24:52.680 --> 00:24:56.010
Ryan: That I had schizophrenia, but I didn't feel like I was experiencing.

186
00:24:57.690 --> 00:25:05.400
Randye Kaye: So it sounds and I know that from our conversation before and I also would imagine it's a.

187
00:25:06.930 --> 00:25:08.580
Randye Kaye: it's a struggle to.

188
00:25:09.600 --> 00:25:29.340
Randye Kaye: Actually, so surprised that you've said, my diagnosis of schizophrenia, because even on our phone conversation you weren't so sure you wanted to say that, so thank you for being willing to say that in this in this podcast it sounds to me like when.

189
00:25:31.500 --> 00:25:42.600
Randye Kaye: When the delusions get stronger or when your thoughts get stronger You used a different phrase on the phone with me it wasn't voices, but when when your thoughts get a little out of control and.

190
00:25:43.050 --> 00:25:55.950
Randye Kaye: doesn't feel like it steals you from your real reality of your friends and your family just does it feel isolating but you also have company, because everything going on in your head is about you.

191
00:25:57.660 --> 00:25:59.370
Ryan: yeah i'm.

192
00:26:02.460 --> 00:26:19.440
Ryan: So, so I know I have to like I understand when I have to get back to the present and get back to some sense of reality um but yeah you you hit it right on the head, I told you like, I am I.

193
00:26:20.940 --> 00:26:22.650
Ryan: hallucinate my subconscious.

194
00:26:23.700 --> 00:26:25.380
Ryan: i'm which I.

195
00:26:27.120 --> 00:26:29.700
Ryan: I i'm going back up into.

196
00:26:30.870 --> 00:26:32.640
Ryan: My head again but.

197
00:26:35.760 --> 00:26:40.380
Ryan: I hear the voices of my mom and my brother and.

198
00:26:41.430 --> 00:26:42.150
Ryan: My.

199
00:26:43.980 --> 00:26:48.720
Ryan: Ex girlfriend and my friends and sometimes I just hear.

200
00:26:52.860 --> 00:26:56.370
Ryan: Like a like a like a demonic voice um.

201
00:27:00.570 --> 00:27:01.470
Randye Kaye: Is it scary.

202
00:27:04.380 --> 00:27:04.740
Yes.

203
00:27:06.300 --> 00:27:14.850
Mindy Greiling MN: And you hear your mom's voice, because our son hears my voice sometimes and invariably for some reason this illnesses such a cruel illness.

204
00:27:15.450 --> 00:27:24.780
Mindy Greiling MN: i'm not saying nice things you know what he thinks I said and he's gotten, to the point where he reality checks with me he'll say.

205
00:27:25.470 --> 00:27:38.130
Mindy Greiling MN: Did you just say you hate me or something like that and i'm so grateful that he does so I can refute and say, of course I didn't say that I would never say that do you ever.

206
00:27:38.550 --> 00:27:52.920
Mindy Greiling MN: reality check like that or how you know, to me, it must be very tiring to have to sort out what somebody really said, compared to what inside your head said that they said, and how do you cope with that.

207
00:27:54.450 --> 00:27:58.110
Ryan: A finding the courage to ask hey What did you just say.

208
00:27:59.010 --> 00:28:02.010
Mindy Greiling MN: Did you do that wonderful it.

209
00:28:02.640 --> 00:28:08.610
Ryan: So sometimes i'm so in my head i'm like I go to the top i'm like I know exactly what you said.

210
00:28:11.220 --> 00:28:12.900
Ryan: And I when I.

211
00:28:14.070 --> 00:28:15.840
Ryan: When I do, that I should.

212
00:28:17.040 --> 00:28:21.180
Ryan: slow down and apologize, and just for clarification takes it.

213
00:28:22.440 --> 00:28:25.020
Ryan: takes a little bit of courage but i'm getting there.

214
00:28:25.590 --> 00:28:35.370
Mindy Greiling MN: Do you ever have a sense of humor about it, because you know every now and then all of us when we're on this this program when we share things that everybody else would think would be horrible.

215
00:28:35.910 --> 00:28:49.950
Mindy Greiling MN: which we can actually get to laughing about it, and sometimes I do that with my son to where you know things just seem so funny to us if we're in the right mood have you you ever find any humor in what you're going through.

216
00:28:51.150 --> 00:28:55.560
Ryan: A occasionally when i'm in a good routine and.

217
00:28:56.580 --> 00:28:58.050
Ryan: I feel.

218
00:28:59.520 --> 00:29:08.730
Ryan: I feel like in a groove or like repetitious i'm like and like nothing bothers me and I get like that, sometimes, and it feels like the whole world melts around.

219
00:29:10.140 --> 00:29:11.250
Ryan: else around me, and I can.

220
00:29:12.330 --> 00:29:12.660
Ryan: Like.

221
00:29:13.800 --> 00:29:15.330
Ryan: my joy starts coming back.

222
00:29:16.440 --> 00:29:18.600
Ryan: My i'm.

223
00:29:19.740 --> 00:29:34.290
Ryan: Like I can laugh, and I can I can be with the people I love and I take that for granted, sometimes being in that group but um I think my mom and.

224
00:29:36.930 --> 00:29:46.290
Ryan: she's she's incredible and she she'll still hit me that, like keep me on the ground and my dad will pull up a funny YouTube video and.

225
00:29:47.700 --> 00:30:00.240
Ryan: we'll laugh sometimes i'm honestly i'm still at the point where i'm pretty like even right now, like my palms are sweaty i'm like sweating i'm not feeling.

226
00:30:01.680 --> 00:30:02.550
Ryan: I get I get.

227
00:30:03.660 --> 00:30:09.210
Ryan: I get it's not easy, so the moments I do find laughter are.

228
00:30:10.980 --> 00:30:12.330
Ryan: moments to cherish for sure.

229
00:30:13.140 --> 00:30:20.580
Mindy Greiling MN: And you're taking a big risk, you know to be on here and sharing with us so that could be contributing to your sweaty palms too, but you know I.

230
00:30:21.090 --> 00:30:35.400
Mindy Greiling MN: I think it's so admirable that you're talking like this, because you know people that listen to our podcast will take so much hope from the insights that you have and how rational you're doing, and you can.

231
00:30:36.090 --> 00:30:52.770
Mindy Greiling MN: Think about your illness and talk about it this way, I think it's gives great hope to other families and other people with mental illnesses, who are listening to and what the what gives you hope, how do you feel hopeful about your future What helps the most.

232
00:30:53.850 --> 00:31:16.800
Ryan: uh two things one is a shared truth and the other is that i'm boss like i'm a genius I know that they can get into a realm of delusion but i'm like I have 4.0 master's degree I i'm i'm good son now.

233
00:31:18.090 --> 00:31:20.130
Ryan: um and.

234
00:31:21.210 --> 00:31:32.130
Ryan: I I I do a lot of good things in my life I pick up a sock every once in a while I do the dishes I take out the garbage and.

235
00:31:35.670 --> 00:31:37.500
Ryan: And my mom.

236
00:31:38.670 --> 00:31:41.760
Ryan: Like we tell each other, we love each other all the time and the fact that.

237
00:31:44.790 --> 00:31:45.660
Ryan: The fact that.

238
00:31:48.360 --> 00:31:54.300
Ryan: That world we're all here to share amazing moments and.

239
00:31:55.920 --> 00:31:57.480
Ryan: i'm sorry I forgot the question.

240
00:31:58.950 --> 00:32:01.590
Mindy Greiling MN: Why would you answer that yeah what gives you hope.

241
00:32:01.920 --> 00:32:10.500
Mindy Greiling MN: And so I think you didn't answer that but one of the programs, we did we had someone on who had there was plenty a to.

242
00:32:11.100 --> 00:32:22.050
Mindy Greiling MN: Who was doing really well, like you, are, and then we heard from someone a mother, I think, whose daughter wasn't doing so well, and she didn't see that she was ever going to do well.

243
00:32:22.560 --> 00:32:27.090
Mindy Greiling MN: If you and hopefully that will change but have you had a chance to.

244
00:32:27.630 --> 00:32:45.600
Mindy Greiling MN: interact either maybe not in the psych Ward where you weren't doing well, yourself, but other places where you see the spectrum of people doing really well or middling or not so well and and do you have any advice or hope for those who aren't doing as well.

245
00:32:51.240 --> 00:32:54.630
Ryan: You guys are probably gonna hate me for this, but like you're a genius.

246
00:32:55.740 --> 00:33:08.040
Ryan: And I mean that people are always going to treat you like you're different, and you are it takes an incredibly strong person to go through what you're going through.

247
00:33:09.210 --> 00:33:19.410
Ryan: And it's not going to be easy, but God put that on you, for a reason and you're strong you're intelligent.

248
00:33:21.270 --> 00:33:31.560
Ryan: You one day you'll have the strength to confront new paranoia until then rely on your family rely on your friends rely on the people around you.

249
00:33:33.300 --> 00:33:33.990
Ryan: and

250
00:33:35.910 --> 00:33:43.860
Ryan: it's okay to not be okay, but it's okay to be okay, too, and one day you'll be okay, I promise.

251
00:33:45.390 --> 00:33:45.540
Mindy Greiling MN: I.

252
00:33:45.600 --> 00:34:00.750
Randye Kaye: will add to that what you said before, which was take your meds mindfulness and there was the third tip that you gave so how hard, is it for you to stay away from drugs now or is that part of your recovery.

253
00:34:02.250 --> 00:34:06.240
Ryan: When I went down on the medication, I can.

254
00:34:07.320 --> 00:34:10.560
Ryan: lot of realizations in a short period of time, but.

255
00:34:11.640 --> 00:34:13.110
Ryan: i'm that.

256
00:34:15.630 --> 00:34:22.170
Ryan: I hallucinate like I am we'd like I don't I don't need my isn't my.

257
00:34:23.280 --> 00:34:26.130
Ryan: The brain is the brain is very uh.

258
00:34:27.180 --> 00:34:34.980
Ryan: it's a constant weed smokers very similar to some of the schizophrenia, and I hallucinate I don't need.

259
00:34:36.210 --> 00:34:37.890
Ryan: I don't need to hallucinate more.

260
00:34:40.470 --> 00:34:43.800
Ryan: To give you insight into why did smoke weed, though.

261
00:34:46.650 --> 00:34:51.270
Ryan: It doesn't help with my head at all, but it did elevate my feeling.

262
00:34:54.540 --> 00:34:55.920
Ryan: And it's.

263
00:34:57.960 --> 00:35:00.660
Ryan: Without we I get.

264
00:35:02.280 --> 00:35:15.960
Ryan: I get sweaty like I feel like I like I don't I go back to place of it feels like a lack of feeling and we'd help me get out of it, I.

265
00:35:17.220 --> 00:35:17.970
Ryan: I don't.

266
00:35:19.110 --> 00:35:21.510
Ryan: Think i'm trying my best not to need it.

267
00:35:22.650 --> 00:35:23.340
Ryan: um.

268
00:35:25.770 --> 00:35:30.270
Ryan: But um it is tough but.

269
00:35:30.360 --> 00:35:35.490
Miriam Feldman: I know you say to people, you said it earlier don't smoke weed what are you basing that off.

270
00:35:36.450 --> 00:35:39.060
Ryan: I don't need to hallucinate more than a hallucinate now.

271
00:35:39.630 --> 00:35:48.750
Miriam Feldman: So that you you've assessed intellectually that smoking weed does not benefit you but emotionally sometimes you feel drawn towards it.

272
00:35:49.620 --> 00:35:51.450
Ryan: Yes, I see.

273
00:35:51.720 --> 00:35:59.880
Miriam Feldman: And I have a question also you, you said you're still friends with this one friend that you've been friends with since you're a young child.

274
00:36:01.080 --> 00:36:09.900
Miriam Feldman: And do you have a social life and friends and people that you've met since you been diagnosed and move back into your life.

275
00:36:11.520 --> 00:36:17.730
Ryan: No, but I hope today's the first, the first step towards that.

276
00:36:18.360 --> 00:36:19.080
Miriam Feldman: And so.

277
00:36:20.340 --> 00:36:41.130
Miriam Feldman: Tell me, if this is uncomfortable and i'll stop, but this is one of the things that just pains me so much about my son is his isolation and until I really have a yearning to understand that so um so you want to have interaction with people, but you do tend to just.

278
00:36:42.360 --> 00:36:48.180
Miriam Feldman: Separate yourself, or are you just I mean you, you work a job and you work with people correct.

279
00:36:49.230 --> 00:36:55.800
Ryan: yeah I work from home so everything's over the over the phone, which makes it a lot easier on me.

280
00:36:56.790 --> 00:36:57.510
Miriam Feldman: And you know.

281
00:36:58.590 --> 00:36:59.250
Ryan: I do.

282
00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:02.010
Randye Kaye: And you're 25 Ryan right.

283
00:37:02.490 --> 00:37:10.470
Randye Kaye: Yes, yeah so it's just mid 20s our sons are about a decade past us so that it's good to know.

284
00:37:11.550 --> 00:37:12.030
Randye Kaye: um.

285
00:37:13.350 --> 00:37:27.690
Randye Kaye: So you know I always talk about i'm not the only one, but you know when i've spoken to health practitioners and families, about what what we find for hope in our family.

286
00:37:28.200 --> 00:37:39.360
Randye Kaye: And I always say you know, there are four pillars to doing well with this illness really any illness is stuff we all need and one is treatment, whatever that treatment is for you and one is structure.

287
00:37:40.650 --> 00:37:51.960
Randye Kaye: And purpose like having a purpose you clearly you hit, you are a genius you have a master's degree, and you have a job so job gives you purpose, and I know with my son when Kobe.

288
00:37:53.280 --> 00:38:03.210
Randye Kaye: made his job go away was really tough and the fourth thing is love you know community and love and it sounds like you've got your family on your side you've got your most important friends on your side.

289
00:38:04.440 --> 00:38:11.010
Randye Kaye: What and again if you're uncomfortable just say i'd rather not answer that and we will just move on.

290
00:38:13.620 --> 00:38:14.100
Randye Kaye: What.

291
00:38:15.960 --> 00:38:17.970
Randye Kaye: When you're trying to make new friends.

292
00:38:19.950 --> 00:38:30.270
Randye Kaye: and acquaintances one thing and a Co worker is one thing, my son worked in a restaurant, for a long time, and never told anyone he has schizophrenia so and I get that because.

293
00:38:31.410 --> 00:38:35.580
Randye Kaye: He didn't need to and he wouldn't have been hired and it's all that but.

294
00:38:36.210 --> 00:38:46.440
Randye Kaye: When you think about having other relationships in your life, maybe one day having a girlfriend and maybe you have one now I don't know or another close friend at what at some point, do you ever say look I you know.

295
00:38:46.710 --> 00:38:55.140
Randye Kaye: I have this illness, and this is what it means, and if you see me gesturing weirdly i'm just having a moment and I need to go and be mindful or.

296
00:38:55.500 --> 00:39:07.530
Randye Kaye: Is that going to be part of your journey to self acceptance to letting select people know just people close to you know about your illness or a stigma really get in the way of that.

297
00:39:08.790 --> 00:39:12.870
Ryan: I told equal like on tinder and bumble.

298
00:39:14.100 --> 00:39:15.090
Randye Kaye: we're on tinder.

299
00:39:16.590 --> 00:39:17.550
Randye Kaye: For you okay.

300
00:39:18.960 --> 00:39:20.100
Ryan: good for you for telling.

301
00:39:20.100 --> 00:39:22.050
Mindy Greiling MN: People on social media.

302
00:39:22.950 --> 00:39:27.060
Randye Kaye: Well, those are dating Apps it's not quite social media it's more of a private thing right.

303
00:39:27.270 --> 00:39:29.430
Mindy Greiling MN: or bad okay that.

304
00:39:29.940 --> 00:39:32.730
Mindy Greiling MN: Dates me cuz I didn't quite know a tinder.

305
00:39:32.940 --> 00:39:35.310
Randye Kaye: it's a dating APP you swipe left.

306
00:39:35.340 --> 00:39:36.330
Mindy Greiling MN: or so you're.

307
00:39:36.360 --> 00:39:39.360
Mindy Greiling MN: just talking to a small to whoever your interact.

308
00:39:39.360 --> 00:39:41.670
Randye Kaye: To yeah right Ryan, do I have that right.

309
00:39:42.030 --> 00:39:44.340
Ryan: yeah and in a private.

310
00:39:46.260 --> 00:39:50.640
Ryan: Private message i'll say I have schizophrenia.

311
00:39:52.410 --> 00:39:54.840
Ryan: So I told one person she ran away.

312
00:39:55.440 --> 00:39:57.150
Ryan: I told another person and.

313
00:39:57.510 --> 00:39:59.400
Ryan: She was I was like I hallucinate.

314
00:40:01.170 --> 00:40:06.960
Ryan: And that's where I left it at because I was a little afraid because the last one.

315
00:40:09.210 --> 00:40:16.110
Ryan: But when i'm making new friends, I don't know if I want new friends, but if I make new friends.

316
00:40:17.250 --> 00:40:22.350
Ryan: I feel like it should be something tell them when i'm ready it's tough because.

317
00:40:23.850 --> 00:40:27.630
Ryan: it's tough because it's part of my identity, a little bit.

318
00:40:28.710 --> 00:40:30.300
Ryan: So if you were.

319
00:40:32.460 --> 00:40:41.400
Ryan: A nice like a generous person wouldn't hide that but I have to be selective about who I share part of my identity with.

320
00:40:42.330 --> 00:40:49.740
Miriam Feldman: And what is the reason for that, because of their preconceptions about what having schizophrenia means or because it would scare them away.

321
00:40:50.760 --> 00:40:55.140
Ryan: scare them away, I think I have a delusion that someone can take advantage of it.

322
00:40:56.940 --> 00:40:58.410
Miriam Feldman: That may not be a delusion.

323
00:41:00.600 --> 00:41:02.220
Randye Kaye: There may be a suspicion.

324
00:41:03.240 --> 00:41:11.220
Randye Kaye: it's a fine line, I know, but it could be based on truth there are people who would and there are many people who don't understand it so that's why we.

325
00:41:11.250 --> 00:41:14.280
Mindy Greiling MN: Have I was asking earlier about friends you've met.

326
00:41:14.310 --> 00:41:23.790
Mindy Greiling MN: You know that also have a mental illness, because you know my son is older than you and all his friends have a mental illness, the ones, he started out with he wasn't.

327
00:41:24.540 --> 00:41:33.900
Mindy Greiling MN: fortunate, like you, are to have a friend who stuck with him a couple of them dead for a couple of years, you know but kind of way because they.

328
00:41:34.530 --> 00:41:46.680
Mindy Greiling MN: Their lives changed, and they weren't dealing with all the things he was dealing with so they just didn't have as much in common, but Jim Jim has some really good friends think people he camps with and.

329
00:41:47.700 --> 00:41:53.670
Mindy Greiling MN: And you know goes to restaurants or coffee shops, but they really like bars to.

330
00:41:54.150 --> 00:42:04.650
Mindy Greiling MN: And and it's all people like him who have a mental illness, it might not be schizophrenia, but some other type of mental illness and then they have that connection, which they never talked about.

331
00:42:05.580 --> 00:42:19.950
Mindy Greiling MN: But they still have that empathy and if Jim ever starts to not feel good and has to go home and mentions that they're fine with that or they cancel at the last minute, but you haven't met any people like that yet at your young age, it sounds like.

332
00:42:20.910 --> 00:42:24.630
Ryan: I have one friend who has bipolar and I feel like he, like gets me.

333
00:42:27.570 --> 00:42:37.050
Ryan: I probably push myself too hard and situations, I could be like, I want to go home but i'm like I gotta show people normally.

334
00:42:39.960 --> 00:42:40.770
Ryan: So.

335
00:42:41.010 --> 00:42:47.820
Mindy Greiling MN: That tug and Paul how about your siblings do they how do they roll with your illness.

336
00:42:48.750 --> 00:42:49.410
Ryan: Of.

337
00:42:49.500 --> 00:42:54.240
Mindy Greiling MN: My brother's my attention you get or resentful or or How does that go.

338
00:42:57.180 --> 00:42:58.740
Ryan: my brother always.

339
00:43:00.120 --> 00:43:03.450
Ryan: I don't want to sound bad, but he always make sure that.

340
00:43:04.800 --> 00:43:09.720
Ryan: i'm listening to and that he is listened to by my family.

341
00:43:10.860 --> 00:43:11.760
Ryan: and

342
00:43:13.320 --> 00:43:18.660
Ryan: He has to stick up for themselves sometimes or it would all be about me wow.

343
00:43:19.680 --> 00:43:20.460
Randye Kaye: and your sister.

344
00:43:21.690 --> 00:43:25.260
Ryan: my sister is a soldier or she is going to be a soldier.

345
00:43:26.910 --> 00:43:28.320
Ryan: And um.

346
00:43:29.520 --> 00:43:43.680
Ryan: She treats life with the occasional case on laughing but she treats life, unlike a soldier and she's strong and tough and if something's bothering her.

347
00:43:45.690 --> 00:43:58.440
Ryan: She so let me kind of have the way, most of the time, and just let me amy i'm good she she's so brave and so tough and she's a big part of my life.

348
00:43:59.100 --> 00:44:00.660
Randye Kaye: You sound like a very, very.

349
00:44:00.720 --> 00:44:14.010
Randye Kaye: empathetic just so we know we have about five minutes left and two things I really don't want to leave out one is because i'm wishing for you as you continue to grow in your life.

350
00:44:14.490 --> 00:44:32.550
Randye Kaye: That you find continue to have the love that you have from your family and close friends and that you also have a community of people who get you in that way, I know, at the moment, my son, he was not very happy when he was your age and he was in a group home and.

351
00:44:33.870 --> 00:44:40.470
Randye Kaye: In a community of people who had mental health issues, and I think it's because he was 25 and they were all 40 but now he's 39.

352
00:44:40.740 --> 00:44:41.700
Randye Kaye: He doesn't hate, you know he.

353
00:44:41.970 --> 00:44:48.180
Randye Kaye: He he is actually enjoying being part of that community but also has hopes for his future.

354
00:44:48.660 --> 00:44:57.000
Randye Kaye: So I wish for you some Community I think part of the problem with especially schizophrenia, and anything with psychosis is, it is very isolating.

355
00:44:57.390 --> 00:45:03.840
Randye Kaye: And I think that that Community even beyond your family, I hope that that is something that that you get.

356
00:45:04.350 --> 00:45:11.820
Randye Kaye: So I just want to say that, and I know this is your first time it was it was assumed that you were.

357
00:45:12.720 --> 00:45:28.230
Randye Kaye: out speaking to groups, all the time and telling your story, and you said no, this is my first time so I want to acknowledge the bravery of taking that step, thank you and I want to know it, if you have you we have five minutes left.

358
00:45:29.940 --> 00:45:39.540
Randye Kaye: The question you wanted us to ask our sons because mindy did get a chance to ask it and and then anything else you want us to know that.

359
00:45:40.350 --> 00:45:48.330
Randye Kaye: You want to get across in this podcast because I know you sent me a venn diagram and I finally understand it, because my husband knows what a venn diagram is.

360
00:45:48.630 --> 00:45:57.720
Randye Kaye: You, and if you want, I can kind of put it in the show notes, but you were trying to explain to me what it feels like to have schizophrenia, and I so appreciated.

361
00:45:58.080 --> 00:46:13.530
Randye Kaye: The effort you put into it and I had to really look at it, to try to understand it so, but this is a podcast So if you can you know, maybe tell us what you want us to know and then pose that question and mindy can answer it has two parts.

362
00:46:18.990 --> 00:46:20.340
Ryan: let's do the question, yes.

363
00:46:20.340 --> 00:46:23.730
Randye Kaye: You asked us to ask us a question and what was the question.

364
00:46:26.130 --> 00:46:32.160
Ryan: The question was what do you think about when no one's around what do you do when you're frustrated.

365
00:46:33.210 --> 00:46:34.020
Ryan: and

366
00:46:36.090 --> 00:46:39.240
Ryan: what's his recovery from mental health breakdown look like to you.

367
00:46:41.430 --> 00:46:51.330
Mindy Greiling MN: So I asked you about what does he think about when when no one else is around and he thinks about I was sorry to hear.

368
00:46:51.840 --> 00:46:59.430
Mindy Greiling MN: And i'm glad you asked it, so I had a chance to have insight into this question and he'll say answer i'm sorry to hear that what he thinks about.

369
00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:09.780
Mindy Greiling MN: His his continuing delusion he never gets away from it, and if he's isolating he goes back to that delusion which is.

370
00:47:10.440 --> 00:47:24.150
Mindy Greiling MN: A scary one, and now the design class up in a really good and I psychotic for him and many other people he doesn't I thought he kind of ditched it, but no it's still there when he's by himself and he's ruminating.

371
00:47:24.930 --> 00:47:35.250
Mindy Greiling MN: And I asked him, you know what do you do when you're frustrated about that, and he said I just think I don't have time for this I don't have time for this I don't want to have.

372
00:47:35.760 --> 00:47:50.820
Mindy Greiling MN: be thinking about this delusion I don't want to have a an attack, where I need to take extra meds because of how i'm feeling so that was his answer and then the part about the recovery he.

373
00:47:52.290 --> 00:48:05.910
Mindy Greiling MN: He is he thinks it's important that he's working he works part time that he has friends that he's got a great psychiatrist he's taking really good medications now and he's like you.

374
00:48:06.450 --> 00:48:23.610
Mindy Greiling MN: He really appreciates his family and friends, so I think what you've been telling us for this whole program is actually he boiled down in his answer, so I appreciated that you ask those questions, and so I had that conversation with my son, so thank you Ryan that's.

375
00:48:23.700 --> 00:48:30.990
Ryan: that's incredible it's it's amazing to hear someone else who succeeding and.

376
00:48:32.580 --> 00:48:39.300
Ryan: If your son's ever want to get in touch with me they're more than welcome to send me that well Randy has my email yeah.

377
00:48:40.020 --> 00:48:40.500
Randye Kaye: And, have you.

378
00:48:40.680 --> 00:48:44.400
Mindy Greiling MN: wish you could meet in person I wish all of our sons could meet in person, because.

379
00:48:44.430 --> 00:48:51.810
Mindy Greiling MN: Hearing my son never got into social media he's he doesn't do that, so he has to meet people in person.

380
00:48:53.160 --> 00:49:07.980
Ryan: yeah um if there's ever an opportunity, or if there's a meeting something where I can attend and within driving range I would love to love to meet your songs i'd love to joining a community.

381
00:49:09.360 --> 00:49:10.050
Mindy Greiling MN: They all would.



387
00:49:22.230 --> 00:49:24.660
Randye Kaye: I mean it's not I mean, I know that my son.

388
00:49:25.950 --> 00:49:35.340
Randye Kaye: writes a lot he writes a lot of poetry he just he's having a tough time where he's living right now, because three people got coven so.

389
00:49:35.970 --> 00:49:44.250
Randye Kaye: Again, three of his pals, one of whom used to knock on his door every morning and go hey Ben let's go for coffee, they were all isolated so he's.

390
00:49:44.550 --> 00:49:53.400
Randye Kaye: You know, physically isolated and so he's I said, have you been spending your time he said just writing writing writing and I don't know what he writes about, but I think that's how he.

391
00:49:54.510 --> 00:50:00.030
Randye Kaye: manages extra thoughts i'll just call them extra thoughts he gets them on paper.

392
00:50:01.770 --> 00:50:05.070
Randye Kaye: So I know that much Mimi anything to add to that and then i'll.

393
00:50:05.070 --> 00:50:05.250
Miriam Feldman: Give.

394
00:50:05.340 --> 00:50:05.910
out yeah.

395
00:50:07.710 --> 00:50:21.960
Miriam Feldman: Nick to my son's an artist visual ours, so he sometimes he writes and writes and notebooks ideas for paintings other time, and this is what he does with his extra thoughts and.

396
00:50:22.890 --> 00:50:32.700
Miriam Feldman: Or else he actually paint, but a lot of time he doesn't paint because it's maybe what's going on in his head is more than he wants to.

397
00:50:33.420 --> 00:50:41.670
Miriam Feldman: dwell on because when you paint because i'm a painter as well, when you paint your really inside of yourself, you know you're really present.

398
00:50:42.300 --> 00:50:55.560
Miriam Feldman: and false or what you're using so I finally understood that maybe a lot of the time he doesn't want to dwell in that, but what he does, then, is he will is sort of.

399
00:50:56.970 --> 00:50:59.430
Miriam Feldman: calming things he'll draw and coloring books.

400
00:51:00.480 --> 00:51:06.630
Miriam Feldman: Because for him just moving color across the surface is what he was born to do, and if you can't.

401
00:51:07.230 --> 00:51:16.230
Miriam Feldman: Take on the whole thing of his psyche and and brain and everything that's going on, that has said in his own color functional draw all night long he'll draw for hours.

402
00:51:16.920 --> 00:51:30.180
Miriam Feldman: And that's his way but Ryan, I was going to save you also you know we all have this wonderful doctor who's in upstate New York or New York, and he has a whole group of kids and most of them are guys.

403
00:51:30.480 --> 00:51:39.420
Miriam Feldman: With young women too, and in the summertime he does sort of get together thing where everybody comes and we went last year, and now.

404
00:51:39.990 --> 00:51:48.690
Miriam Feldman: mindy that you're sending treatment by delta related to that might be something that you would want to join us, this summer, where you can meet a bunch of kids.

405
00:51:49.110 --> 00:51:57.750
Miriam Feldman: Who are all doing real well because they're all on calls if you and they're all having good meaningful lines, I think that might be nice nice for you to join us.

406
00:51:58.980 --> 00:52:04.320
Ryan: yeah I would love to plus be in towns and i've listened, a lot of your podcasts.

407
00:52:05.340 --> 00:52:06.990
Ryan: cause a pain seems to be.

408
00:52:08.010 --> 00:52:11.970
Ryan: very effective and really being for living.

409
00:52:14.040 --> 00:52:16.950
Ryan: more productive lives so that's interesting.

410
00:52:17.310 --> 00:52:23.610
Randye Kaye: is to be administered correctly so and it's not the answer for everybody, my son hated it i'm.

411
00:52:24.540 --> 00:52:38.370
Randye Kaye: At right now is on something else so it's you know we we never want this podcast to be all about closer oh if If so, they would be sponsoring us so, but it is something it is an option, so thank you and I want.

412
00:52:38.370 --> 00:52:38.850
Mindy Greiling MN: to lay.

413
00:52:38.970 --> 00:52:48.900
Mindy Greiling MN: out website changer for my son, I would say i'm not a commercial list, but in my in our particular case it's night and day for Jim are you on the right hand or not.

414
00:52:49.110 --> 00:52:49.350
No.

415
00:52:50.580 --> 00:52:53.670
Ryan: No okay well you're doing well, anyway, so.

416
00:52:53.970 --> 00:52:56.940
Mindy Greiling MN: Obviously, other drugs work too right.

417
00:52:57.360 --> 00:53:13.740
Randye Kaye: I will, I will send you the website, just so that you can look and see that there you know even just knowing their other people I might just also suggest on tinder that when you're if you're revealing that you say something like I hate to give advice, but i'm going to you know.

418
00:53:14.970 --> 00:53:25.590
Randye Kaye: I have, I have schizophrenia it's very functional and it's managed with medication like just if you're going to put it up front put it up front, because if you know anyone who's.

419
00:53:26.220 --> 00:53:43.080
Randye Kaye: will understand it will know that's a very different animal from untreated schizophrenia so just a thought, what else in your final minutes, would you most like to say to our listeners or to us that we have you haven't had a chance to cover.

420
00:53:45.450 --> 00:53:55.530
Randye Kaye: You know what what does support look like to you anything you want to say i'm just going to leave it open is there anything you want us to understand about you that you haven't had a chance to say.

421
00:53:58.500 --> 00:54:11.460
Ryan: uh I continually try to push towards the President, and what that means is, I think, neither like right down but.

422
00:54:12.330 --> 00:54:12.990
I.

423
00:54:14.040 --> 00:54:27.810
Ryan: The advice that you guys gave today was fantastic i'd love to be part of a group that is supportive and understanding of me and, like you, guys and like.

424
00:54:29.100 --> 00:54:31.410
Ryan: Other people with schizophrenia.

425
00:54:33.780 --> 00:54:45.810
Ryan: And yeah I, I will continue to try to push towards a President, and thank you guys, for having me on the podcast today, and it was a joy.

426
00:54:46.320 --> 00:55:00.030
Ryan: i'm glad to hear that your sons are pushing towards their own sense of the President and normalcy and love and purpose enjoy and all the good things in life.

427
00:55:01.680 --> 00:55:04.260
Ryan: So thank you for having me today and.

428
00:55:04.290 --> 00:55:06.270
Mindy Greiling MN: we're all smiling if everyone can't.

429
00:55:07.050 --> 00:55:07.500
Mindy Greiling MN: The pod.

430
00:55:07.650 --> 00:55:12.690
Randye Kaye: I think Ryan can see us we just can't, so I think you can feel the love and.

431
00:55:13.050 --> 00:55:25.770
Randye Kaye: If you are listening out there, and you are feeling like Ryan, and you, maybe you have schizophrenia and you're listening to our podcast I know there's a few people that comment on YouTube.

432
00:55:26.430 --> 00:55:37.920
Randye Kaye: You know, feel free to put something in the comments or to write to me, you know my our emails are at the end of every podcast you can get in touch with any one of us and say you know.

433
00:55:38.490 --> 00:55:46.470
Randye Kaye: I I also have schizophrenia and feel like I need a Community and we can we can pass that information on to you Ryan, if you want.

434
00:55:46.890 --> 00:56:00.330
Randye Kaye: Or maybe we'll even do a show or three or four people with schizophrenia Come on, I mean we would love to be we'll just stay in the background i'll let you guys talk to each other, that would be it's just just an idea, but we, you know, we want to, we want to be a.

435
00:56:01.380 --> 00:56:09.270
Randye Kaye: conduit for you to get some support Ryan as well, and we just so appreciate your being here today, and thank you.

436
00:56:10.290 --> 00:56:11.220
Ryan: you're welcome and.

437
00:56:11.280 --> 00:56:29.010
Mindy Greiling MN: Thank you out international clubhouse area best guest on that's the director of that and just today, I was talking with people in Minnesota we're working on starting one in my area so check out if there's one in your area that's meet people like yourself.

438
00:56:29.280 --> 00:56:39.540
Ryan: I will I love that episode you guys did I like I was he whoever was the guest did a fantastic job of.

439
00:56:40.740 --> 00:56:47.100
Ryan: Making me feel less alone, I was like I want to, I want to, I want to be part of something like that, so I.

440
00:56:48.420 --> 00:56:51.900
Ryan: Look, I will definitely look into clubhouses for sure.

441
00:56:52.380 --> 00:56:52.860
Mindy Greiling MN: awesome.

442
00:56:52.890 --> 00:56:54.510
Randye Kaye: Great Thank you so much.

443
00:56:55.230 --> 00:56:55.920
Mindy Greiling MN: And thank you.

444
00:56:56.010 --> 00:56:56.760
Randye Kaye: for joining us.

445
00:56:57.360 --> 00:56:58.410
Ryan: yeah Thank you guys.

446
00:56:59.130 --> 00:56:59.910
Randye Kaye: that's it.

447
00:57:01.320 --> 00:57:02.370
Miriam Feldman: Right i'm going to.